I actually had a good day so far. I did pretty much everything I said I was going to do. I did enough work in school, I stayed off of Facebook, I actually talked to some people in school, and I woke up smiling with a positive mood.
So what’s wrong now? Is it bad that I get sad? Not really, I think it’s okay for someone to be allowed to be sad or shed a tear for a couple minutes. I’m just not letting this reoccurring depressive mood halt or hinder my life.
I want to propel into something great, something or somewhere different from what I am/doing now.
It’s just also that I want to be alone. I want to see nobody, lay in some bed, and do nothing. Relax, be by myself.
Perhaps this is my stupid Virgo side wanting to be an introvert. Perhaps this is me trying to heal myself. I often go through the most lifechanging mental breakthroughs in my head when I am alone. Maybe this is just part of my nature, since in the back of my head my voice might be trying to tell me I don’t need anyone.
In reality however I do want someone and their love. And, I have that in my boyfriend. He just isn’t giving it to me in the ways that I want. Which is understandable, because we are trying to work our relationship out.
And shit like that doesn’t happen overnight, if you want it to be strong.
I don’t know. I’m on this planet to give love fully, experience all of my emotions fully, and to just experience everything. So when somebody doesn’t return that to me in ways I want, or give me instant gratification like I am used to from him, it pisses me off in a personal way.
But I am trying to work on that. To stop being so girlish and childish. It only makes sense however that I react that way, because I view it as me giving him my love, which is personal to me, and he doesn’t do the same. So I wonder why, and it hurts.
I know why, and it hurts me more. So in the back of my head I remember in ways I do deserve it. I got to think long term instead of short term.
In all reality I just want somebody who remembers all the stupid sentimental shit with me, has private jokes with me that we can’t even begin to count or even remember them all, treats me how I treat them…
At least I know what I want. That’s a start.
I just feel alone.